When I went to bed, I had a dream that Rahl was back with me. I dreamt that we were back where we were before, with the little pond, the autumn leaves surrounding us, safe in our walls with the plants killing anything threatening that came close. Instead, when I woke up, I was on my thin, plank bed with a flat pillow, and no one here with me. Erys and my thylas have been looking for Rahl, with my little goat keeping its light on as long as it can through the night in one of my windows.
But I’m alone, and the sooner that I stop dwelling on that, the more productive I might be.
Today, I decided to take a page out of Rahl’s book and try to hook up the machine that makes other things work. He’s shown me a couple different versions in our time together, but as I’ve not seen a stego--Is it a stego or a trike? I know it’s one of them that walks on the little belt thing, but which one? EITHER WAY--at all on any island I’ve gone to and I’m fairly certain they won’t be in the water, I made the one with wires. I think. I’m not sure if it’s actually working, and I’m not sure if I made it right because he wasn’t here to help me with it.
The wires are what tripped me up. I made so many and each time I laid one down, I ended up having to move it. Over and over, I’d lay down some wiring and then find it was wrong, tear it up and start again. And when I thought it would finally provide the sparks to what I needed, nothing happened.
That repetition alone would’ve afforded me appreciation for Rahl’s expertise if I didn’t already know he was really smart.
I’ve abandoned the endeavor and will focus on feeding my growing long whales by hand now that the gates have been made so I can keep them safe from sight. The last thing I need is to worry about the sharks, and the mantas, and the cyclones to steal what little I’ve managed to amass. These babies could be the key to safely navigating the ocean while trying to make sure that Rahl is alright.
While I hope he’s made it back to Atlygaea, if there’s a chance he’s ended up here, I can’t stay on my comfortable small island forever. I need to take charge and go as far as I can manage.
My current wish is to make a boat. If I can make a boat, like the fast one that Rahl gave me after the giant whales destroyed my hope of escape, then it would make exploring so much faster. I’m not sure exactly how he put it together, as it was made of metal and ran with the same liquid he taught me to make for the power machine.
Speaking of boats, I now have a new appreciation for Rahl having to weather the voices he hears, the whisperings of what we need to do to survive. It seems that, whatever voices Rahl has had to contend with, they were no longer happy with only tormenting him, so I get to hear the ramblings. And, whoever this voice is, it said it tried to flag down a passing ship. I nearly had a heart attack trying to see what it was talking about, but there was no one there.
There’s never anyone there, and it’s been like that for months. Why would it change now?
I’m tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I feel like we’ve been stuck in this limbo for so long, and now that I’m alone, I don’t know what to do with myself. Do I maintain hope for escape when it feels like we’ll never get out of here? When each time we’re pulled to a new place, it’s never home but rather a more dangerous location? Do I accept that I may be alone with a child? I haven’t even stopped to try and decorate or make a crib for the baby because I haven’t wanted to accept the fact that I could give birth and he wouldn’t be here.
Should I focus on that now? And then branch out on the off chance something happens? I haven’t even tried to give myself a comfortable bed yet. I have an icebox, water, and my work tables; my bed is basically just another table with some hide for a blanket.
Tomorrow will be a new day. I’ll try to make that boat and then go out further with my thylas.
Tonight, I’m going to let myself cry and pray to whatever powers that be for Rahl’s safe return home.
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